Dawn Smith-Pliner is Director of Friends In Adoption. They have adoption agency offices in both Vermont and New York. The following is Dawn's Semi-Annual letter for the Friends In Adoption Newsletter.
So far 2005 has been the year of health concerns for me. As diagnoses were made, I would go on the Internet to do research on my options. Much to my chagrin I was unable to find the information I was looking for, so I wrote my own article (once I had completed my surgery). In showing the article to the medical professionals that I had worked with, I was asked permission to have the article passed along to all of the doctor’s clients that were faced with the same decisions that I had to make. If the article helps one person feel more empowered with regards to their health care, then I would be thrilled! Now what does this have to do with adoption?
While the majority of you are not preparing for surgery, many of you are preparing yourselves to become families through adoption. And while the internet is flooded with information on adoption, it still may be a challenge to find the exact information you are trying to find. So here is my “Preparation Tips for the Pre and Post Adoption Experience”. You have my permission to pass it along to whomever you think might find it helpful.
Before you adopt:
1. Go into the process as mentally healthy and prepared as possible. Attend adoption conferences, talk to others who have adopted and define your “dream child”. For some folks this phase goes rather quickly for others it may take longer. But please don’t get “stuck in the muck”. If you individually or as a couple are certain that you want to adopt and you have been researching the process for over a year then you might want to work with a professional that can move you along.
2. Before you commit to working with and agency or with an attorney do a “dry run”. Imagine yourself getting the call from the agency or attorney letting you know that your child is waiting for you. Would you be prepared emotionally, financially and spiritually to move ahead? If not, what would you need to feel prepared?
3. From the start of your adoption to the completion of it – review all paperwork carefully and make copies of it all to file in your safety deposit box. If you are in doubt with any of it, have it reviewed by your attorney. No one wants surprises in the middle of their adoption journey!
4. Enjoy your adoption pregnancy. For me, this meant going to tag sales on weekends and buying baby clothes that I kept tucked away in my bottom dresser drawer. Others have bought children’s furniture and put it on lay away until it needed to be used. If appropriate, think of names for your child; identify a pediatrician or family doctor, take a parenting class, research childcare or school arrangements, look for announcement cards. One word of caution here – if you are involved in an adoption that includes a “risk” period then you might want to think twice about who you tell. In the even an adoption does not move ahead to a placement you will need to take time to care for yourself/yourselves and not the rest of the world.
5. Think about whom you want with you when your child arrives home. Do you feel that you will need a few days alone before you welcome your friends and family into your home…or do you feel a need to have a family member or close friend to help you adjust to being a parent? Those that love you like to know how they can best be there for you.
6. Visit your library and stock up on parenting books and videos. Make sure your camera is in working order. Purchase a photo album or two or three…
7. Nurture yourself/yourselves – your adoption journey may be stressful. Take time to exercise and smell the roses!
8. Consider joining an adoption support group so that you have a designated time to share your adoption journey experience with people that understand the language of adoption.
9. And most importantly – trust the people that you are working with to help you with your adoption. If your half full glass starts to look half empty it’s time to call the professionals that you have employed to let them know that you are struggling. They should be able to help you re-focus your energy in a positive way. Know in your heart that you WILL become a family through adoption!
After you Adopt:
1. Celebrate – you’ve worked hard to become a family through adoption.
2. Breathe deeply as you adjust to your new role as a parent – guaranteed that there will be days of energy and days of exhaustion and lots of adjustments to be made.
3. Adoption is a life long process – don’t forget to record your memories. If you are involved in an adoption that includes contact with your child’s birth family, pass along your child’s progress to the birth family. Many of our birth and adoptive families have found that the internet provides the perfect vehicle for this to occur.
4. If you worked with an agency to adopt, stay in touch with them. Many agencies offer post adopt get-togethers and classes having to do with parenting the adopted child. View your agency as a resource.
5. Integrate adoption into your life – not as an everyday topic for dinner time conversation but in a way that “normalizes” adoption allowing your child to know that it is A-OK to talk about his/her adoption.
6. Be aware of your responsibility as an adoptive parent to appropriately educate those around you that might have misinformation about the subject. This might require having to talk to grandmother or to your child’s classroom teacher or to your kind, but nosy next door neighbor. Tapestry Book’s catalog provides an excellent resource for books that you might find helpful.
7. Find a professional therapist that is skilled in the area of adoption and make an appointment with him/her for your family to visit. Knowing that you have a professional that knows you as a healthy family will allow you to feel secure in the event a challenge comes along that you feel you need outside help with.
8. Enjoy life as a family created through adoption!
Happy Spring!
Dawn
